Can I Live? The Essay

I’m a woman of many layers. A Christian. A devoted mother, daughter, sister, and friend. A driven entrepreneur, and a focused college student, to name a few.

I have championed, succeeded, won and I have also lost. I have suffered immensely, and struggled unrelentingly. I have, in fact, almost given up. Hey, that’s life! (Thank you, Sinatra.)

This lovely little gift is a constant ride. Be it fast or slow, it was meant to be an adventure and a challenge. I believe our most valuable accomplishments are realized after a period of pure resistance.

A good majority of my time has been spent placing puzzle pieces together in a way so that others would be satisfied. Trying to color inside of someone else’s lines.

Emotionally drained and utterly unsatisfied, at the end of a long day I would crawl into bed for some reprieve, only to lay awake tirelessly questioning: Who am I? Who do I want to become? What have I done to prepare myself?

It was thirteen months ago that I walked away from the person I didn’t know (or like) anymore.
I began shedding the excess layers I had learned to rely on, and had since outgrown. I began living a life that only I had designed and only I could narrate.

And since doing so, I have never been happier. But that is the turning point of this essay.

Grateful for all of life’s experiences; I truly wouldn’t know how to appreciate the sunshine if it hadn’t rained for so long. But with the bliss of a success, we sometimes are brought fleeting moments of negativity: guilt, fear, and regret. (Very natural.) A question I asked myself often was, “Do I deserve this?”

It is very important to remember that no matter what you do, not everyone will be rooting for you. Not everyone will be satisfied with who you are, and some will be truly envious of your inner peace. This is a fact. There are some people who will go far enough to attempt dragging you back down the rabbit hole from which you came.

Life being funny and full of lessons – you won’t always have someone there when you need to hear, “Yes, you definitely deserve this!” You will undoubtedly feel those fleeting moments of doubt and fear, and you must remember that they are only fleeting.

When you find yourself in this inner/outer turmoil, please, remember what you’re made of.

Stay strong darling, and remind yourself to fly.

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