We were not trying to get pregnant. But didn’t try not to. I thought frequent nursing sessions made conception impossible.
Calvin, is just shy of 6 months old. Bringing him into the world nearly killed us both, had the stars not been aligned in our favor that morning. Because of this, my husband and I decided to wait 1-2 years before trying again.
It was a Thursday night that a lightbulb turned on. I don’t know how to explain it other than an instinct. Every fiber in my body told me to take a pregnancy test.
The week leading up to my metaphysical urge to test, I had been cramping, nauseous, car sick, and my emotions were up and down. I thought for sure that my depression/anxiety was getting the better of me!
I had Curt swing by the local drugstore on our way home from a family road trip. Out of doubt, and fear for being ridiculed, I quickly said, “Pull in here. I need cough drops.” Moments later, I climbed back into the truck with cough drops in hand, and 2 tests stowed in my bag.
As soon as we got home, I rushed into the bathroom. Still thinking it was silly to be testing for pregnancy, I let the used test sit on the bathroom counter while I washed my face. I looked down moments later, and was stunned to see the faintest positive line. The next morning, the line was darker.
Curt and I went through a mix of emotions in the first 12 hours. Completely taken by surprise, and also fear for my safety because of my previous c-section incision…but by the next morning, we were excited to bring a new baby into our family.
The same weekend, I had severe cramping, and nausea. On Wednesday, I arrived early to my pregnancy confirmation appointment. The test was negative.
I was in complete shock after leaving the doctors office. I was told to retest in 1 week, but raced home to take my own pregnancy tests. They were negative…one after the other. Four and then five negatives left me feeling nauseous again.
I called the nurse on call, and she told me it was likely I had a chemical pregnancy and may not even notice a miscarriage because we were so early.
One week later, I miscarried. We were just 5 weeks along, and we knew about this baby for 5 days…but it only took moments to plan a life time for the baby.
Even though we only knew about the pregnancy for 5 days, this baby was very real to us, and we were incredibly sad and heartbroken. However, we are confident in God’s plan, and comforted knowing this was natures doing.
If I have been distant in the last few weeks, this is why. It has taken a bit of attention to process and get back on track with other plans and goals.
It was important that I document and share our experience here though because at the time, it is very tragic and confusing. It happens so quickly, like a whirlwind plans change and then change again.
My heart goes out to anyone who came across this while endlessly searching for answers, and women to relate to. Hang in there.
You’ll always be my favorite “What if…”
2 Comments Add yours
Beautifully written, love ya Erin!
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Thanks Jimmy Xo